How Directing Chose Me

There is always a defining moment on set when I know I am working on the most important shot of the entire film, whether it’s a 2 page or a 20 page script. It’s the part of the scene that is the most difficult for the actors, because they need to bare their souls completely. Something in them needs to give. In every project I’ve done, I remember that moment vividly. It’s usually the point where the AD or sound man is telling me I’m spending too much time on the shot (doing their jobs, really) and I tell them, no. Either we get this shot or we don’t have a film. And I always know when I have what I need. It’s almost as if the entire cast and crew share one gasp and a release. This is my favourite part, every time.

In my heart of hearts, I always wanted to be a director, the one with intimate knowledge of what was going on in every department, the one selecting the takes and, best of all, the one working with the actors. But I didn’t choose directing, it chose me. When my closest friend, and later BYT co-producer, asked me to jump on board as co-director for his project, I had never done anything like it. I was both elated and terrified. Truth be told, I didn’t know the first thing about how a camera worked. Being an actor (and sometimes production assistant), I had a general grasp of set operations and what was supposed to happen, loosely... sort of. But you’ll never know if you can do something until you try it. I became one of two directors for the film, the one who was primarily responsible for the actors.

We only had a single weekend to shoot. The defining moment for me on that set was sitting down with the actors on the second night and explaining we would be reshooting most scenes. The first night had been a grueling one. But a rough-cut that the editor whipped together the next morning showed me we didn’t have what we needed to make the film work. I had to gain the actors’ trust again and explain that a rigorous reshoot was what was best for the film. Everyone was exhausted. No one had slept much, the scenes were emotionally draining and the leading man was losing his voice. I was asking a lot. This would be the first of many times I would have to make difficult demands on people, while secretly chiding myself for doing so. What was truly inspiring was how willing these gifted actors were to do what was necessary, to start over, to rip their hearts out for the camera one more time. And that’s been my experience in independent film ever since. Cast and crew will do whatever it takes for the sake of the film.

People often ask whether I prefer acting or directing. I tell them they are such different worlds, I cannot compare, with one exception. When I am prepping with the actors for a climactic scene and the crew is in synch, ready to go, everything else falls away. There is no distance or distinction between myself and the actors. In that moment, when I am experiencing the story, not watching it, that is what I live for.

[If you're curious what the final product of this first directing experience looked like, you can watch Poison here.]

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